In sorrow or grace?

Today is a day of anger, hurt and emotion. Not for any particular reason, other than my body feels this way. Although this ‘temple’ of mine has suffered at not only my own hands, but hands of others through my short lived thirty years, today is a day of reflection – feeling a day of reckoning. My trauma knows no bounds today, and I dare say that is normal for any person who has been through trauma is it not? Or anyone indeed living at all. We are all human, and we all have good days. For when you’re at your highest, where else is there to go but down?

My topic over the past few days has been soul retrieval, how? why? when? So many questions. I firmly believe part of my soul was scared away as a young child, and again later in life when my PTSD took a hold onto me. Although the theoretical ideology of souls has yet to surface in the world of science, I am a firm believer in the fact each one of us is energy. Now this energy that we all have inside us or ‘soul’ if you will, has the capacity to soar throughout our lifespan! This would be amazing wouldn’t it? Yet some of us do not have this pleasure, we lose part of our soul throughany traumatic event, this can be part or full soul. Many people feel this when they lose a loved one, and often state so themselves ‘Part of me went with them when they died’. In psychiatric terms this can be symptomatic of numbness, depression, and disassociation – to which unfortunately in 2020, mental health has such high precedence in our lives.

In my experience, I know part of my soul is lost in the abyss somewhere, and I have contacted shamans to retrieve this for me. Throughout many shamanic cultures, there are many different ways to do a soul retrieval; yet they all narrow down to the one point, to retrieve and allow someone to heal from this trauma, to beckon to that broken part and make someone whole again. Whilst many western traditions are to go to the doctor and to be ‘healed’ through medication, many shaman believe that soul loss – whether full or part could be the cause for many physiological disease and ailments. Many diseases are known to have some form of psychosomatic effect in this day and age due to the continuous stressors and pressures in everyday life, yet if a person was to truly reflect, meditate and connect with Pachamama, they would find that the answers they need are often reflected inside of them. However, it must be noted that this is not instead of recieving medical advice.

Soul retrieval is not a quick fix, nor is it a fix at all for some. But for those of us who have experienced trauma on any level, it can aid our vessel and being become whole. It is natural for us all to have our ups and downs, and today is just a reflection of that! Yet we strive for more, and long for the good days. So my question to myself is this, is my partitioned soul sorrowful or a grace?

For me personally, this has been a grace. The resillience I have and face, the love, empathy and passion I have for others and animals knows no bounds (when I have a good day haha). Yet people do not understand or comprehend why I hold no anger or malice towards those who have caused my trauma – for hear it now, I am the strongest and most corageous woman I know, I have got this and today is just a blip! I will continue this fight. This continous warrior stance becomes tiring, and these are the days one must look back on and realise the sun will still rise tomorrow, the moon will still be there waiting when I look at the nights sky tonight. I am blessed.

I ask that anyone who has that big black dog on their shoulder, that grey cloud above, or anyone experiencing hardship to contact your local mental health team. Be it the samaritans, or even just talk to a friend or doctor. We are all in this together, and none of us are getting out of this alive, so why not enjoy our time together and be soul energy together?

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